ficlet: (ATWT); between two worlds, gen, rated T

[ella_menno]

Title: between two worlds
Fandom: As The World Turns
Pairing/characters: Gen (sorry) - Maddie POV, with mention of Luke/Noah
Rating: Teen
Author: jenowago
Disclaimer: Characters borrowed from P&G, CBS, and probably many others; no copyright infringement intended.
Notes: A ficlet inspired by the preview for tomorrow's episode. Title from the song by Shawn Colvin. You can DL the song here: Between Two Worlds, Shawn Colvin





between two worlds

You left me stranded between two worlds/
You turned me into a mixed up girl/
You left me stranded between two worlds/

Between Two Worlds, Shawn Colvin

***


I walked in on them today.

It’s not like I was surprised, exactly. We do live in a small town, after all. It would be kind of nuts to think I wouldn’t run into them at some point. I guess I just didn’t expect the first time to be in Luke’s grandmother’s kitchen.

I mean, of course I’ve seen them together before – with the way we’ve been working the last few months, I’ve seen the two of them more than I’ve seen anyone else.

But this was different, because they were together. It wasn’t like they were making out or anything - they were just sitting next to one other. Well. They were sitting a lot closer than they ever used to, though. They were talking softly, smiling and looking into each other’s eyes. Just sitting there, you know? Content. Happy.

A couple.

And it’s great. It is. I’m happy for Luke, especially. I’m happy for both of them, I really am. I’ve heard Luke talk about it often enough - I know he’s wanted this for so long, someone to care about him, someone to be with him, romantically.

It's just. That person happens to be my ex-boyfriend.

Honestly? Right from the beginning, from that first time with Noah, I felt like something was kind of – kind of off, I guess. That things were moving too fast. Not that I had any idea how off I really was.

But I can’t help but wonder: should I have known? What did I miss?

I must have missed something – I must have. Because Noah and I - we went to bed together. We were intimate; it’s not like I have all this experience or anything, but he - I mean, I think that he liked it. He enjoyed himself, if you know what I mean.

And I know that I did. God. He knew what he was doing. How did he know what he was doing? I don’t think it was the first time he’d ever – not that we talked about it, or discussed it or anything. It's not like we did a lot of talking beforehand. It just happened.

But. If he’s, if he likes Luke, he likes other guys – then how could he be with me like that?

And why would he want to be with me like that? Unless, of course, he didn’t want to. Didn’t want me, I mean.

I think maybe he was just fooling himself with me, or trying to. Like he was using me to help convince him of something that wasn’t – isn’t – true. And I know Noah, I know him enough to know he wouldn’t have done that on purpose. He wouldn’t hurt me like that, not intentionally. He’s not that kind of person.

But you know what? Even though he didn’t mean to hurt me like that? It still hurt. He hurt me.

Because, maybe, now that Noah’s figured it out, he probably doesn’t feel anything when he looks at me. But what about me? I haven’t changed. I wasn’t lying to myself about who I am attracted to.

And he’s. He’s tall, and strong, and his arms, and he smells so nice, and...anyway.

So I’m glad he figured it out. I’m glad he has Luke. But I still – when I see Noah, it’s not like he looks any different, you know? He looks the same; he’s still the same guy who kissed me. Held my hand. Held me.

I see him, and I remember. I remember being in that bed with him. I remember the way he touched me. I remember all of it. I tried to forget it, but I can’t take those memories out of my head. I’d like to, but I can’t.

Does he think about it? What does he think? Or has he already forgotten about it? Maybe it was it awful for him - maybe he was thinking about someone else. Oh, God - was he thinking about - about Luke when he was with me?

I kind of hate this. It’s not like I wasn’t messed up enough already, and this doesn’t help. Not at all.

Maybe Luke was right, back when he yelled at me about Wesleyan. Maybe I should’ve listened, to him, because if I had...

Well. I wouldn’t be seeing them right now.

And maybe, if I was farther away from them, it’d be a little bit easier to forget.

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