ella_menno

As I meandered through my music today, I stumbled across this song that I kind of adore, and used to listen to endlessly (yes, it’s country music – shut up), and might have to start listening to all over again.

Because yeah, it’s a little twangy and kind of overwrought, but god. It gets to me – because in my head--

I see Dean, watching Sam shove things into a couple of duffle bags (hell, Dean probably gave him one of his), just watching Sam, who's still fuming over a couple of those choice words John threw at him during that last (oh, the last) fight.

Sam’s angry, yeah, but he’s also determined and Dean hears the words “I’m right, this is right” and “finally going to be normal” and “don’t need him anyway” and “on my own.”

And Dean is breaking inside. Silently, and totally invisible from outside his own head, shattering.

Tell me when I can open my eyes
I don’t wanna watch you walk out that door

Because for twenty-two years, Sammy’s been his whole life; hell, in all the ways that count, Dean raised Sam. This big, gangly kid with the floppy hair and puppy-dog eyes is his best friend-partner-brother-child, and he’s leaving. Not only that, but he’s glad to be going.

He's leaving, and when he goes - before he goes, because he wants to go - he's rending apart the only security Dean has had since he was four years old. His family.

But of course Dean doesn't show a thing. He zips up the bag for Sam. Leans against the wall as Sam paces, watching for the car to come and get him. (Or, you know, drums his fingers on the wheel as he drives Sam to the bus station, but work with me and the lyrics, here.)

A taxi’s waiting in the driveway for you
You call my name – I guess you’re ready to leave
I’d like to help you with a suitcase or two
But I’m afraid I’m gonna wind up down on my knees
I should tell you that I want you to go
I really need to spend some time on my own
Smile and say goodbye, so you won’t see me dying inside


Watches Sam walk away from him, from their mission, from his home – and Dean lets him go. He tastes the blood as it seeps onto his tongue, stinging from where he’s bitten down to keep himself from asking Sammy to stay, please, don't you leave us, don't leave me -- . Tastes it, and swallows it down.

And he says nothing. He watches, and nods, and doesn’t wave – and then he gets (back?) into the Impala (which is the closest thing he’s ever had to a home, but without Sammy in the car? It’s even less of a home than it ever was.)

And he drives, and drives, and drives.

I should lie and say it’s all for the best
Wish you luck and say I have no regrets
But I’m not up to being strong
So I wait until you’re gone
Is it over yet?
Is it over yet?




And now I go off to listen again and make up more sappy stories in my head.

Link here: http://www.sendspace.com/file/c9ev5y

( Is It Over Yet? )

I am so fangirling this list:


20+ Reasons We Homeschool.

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I've spent the better part of the afternoon dling songs that make me cry. (Not all of them in the bad way, either.) Shall I list them for you? Mmkay.

"Taking You Home," Don Henley
"Whiskey Lullaby," Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley
"When I Said I Do," Clint Black and Lisa Hartman Black
"Russians," Sting
...all of which have been added to my iTunes playlist entitled 'heartbreak.'

*blinks* Wow. Don't I just sound like a big ole ball of fun.

*

T-minus four days until M. turns six, which reminds me - this would be a good opportunity to write up his birth story. Perhaps later tonight.

Gosh, I wish I had something more interesting to say.