I gave my life to become the person I am right now! Was it worth what I paid?

[ella_menno]

More of my seemingly endless quest to figure out who I am and what I believe, this time in chunky list form.

I don't feel quite right sending this out into the world without noting that all opinions herein are just that - opinions. Don't be surprised if you find sentences that seem to contradict other sentences. I'm trying to figure all this stuff out myself.


EDUCATION


I am a homeschooling mom, but I have one kid in preschool.

I think organized schooling is inherently bad, even though it works quite well for some kids.

Just because certain children do well in regular school doesn’t mean school is good for them.

School teaches kids to rely on the opinions and judgments of others; it robs them of the capacity to make their own decisions and to set their own standards of quality.

As time passes, our style of homeschooling becomes more and more eclectic and “unschoolish”.

We still choose and use primarily Catholic materials.

I believe my boys wouldn’t be nearly as happy as they currently are if they were in school.

I believe my six year old would be miserable in a regular school.

I think my nephew is being set up for a lifetime of educational problems simply because my sister in law put him in school too early.

I think too many people use public education as free day care.

I don’t believe school is a good way to educate anyone.

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INFLUENCE


I am remarkably susceptible to persuasion. If people I like tend to have a certain belief or opinion, I will nearly always start to believe/think that same thing.

I think that what a person watches or reads or listens to can and does have deep and lasting effects on that person.

I believe that there are stories and songs and television shows and movies – media, I guess - that are inherently bad. I believe that people would be better served by avoiding such things.

I do not, however, believe that the same things are equally harmful to each individual.

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RELIGION


I am a Catholic. I like being Catholic. I’m raising my kids as Catholics. I did a lot of looking before I became Catholic – I wasn’t born to this religion, I chose it.

This is part of the reason I can’t “just leave” when there are problems with the church, as some have suggested I do. I believe Catholicism is, for lack of a more precise term, right. Yes, there are sinful people in the church, and some of them are quite highly placed. Just by virtue of being humans with free will, some people will choose bad things. The poor choices and decisions of those people do not invalidate my entire religion.

I don’t think God hates anyone. Not anyone.

I do think God approves or disapproves of the way each individual lives his or her life.

I think my dad had it right many years ago, before I started dating, when he told me that he’d never accept me coming home to tell him I was pregnant because I couldn’t help it. He told me that was an excuse, and a lousy one, and that it was a lie on top of that. Human beings have free will. You can always “help it,” even when you really, really don’t want to.


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IDIOSYNCRACIES


I like to wear big stompy boots.

I think I swear too much.

I think that I kind of enjoy swearing, and that I’m never going to devote myself to giving it up.

I enjoy professional bull riding, but I still think those guys are nuts.

I’m a bad driver. Most people think they are above average drivers, but I'm perfectly happy to put myself in a lower ranking.

I don’t like socializing. I hate bars. I dislike parties, unless they’re parties for extremely close friends and I know every single person who’s there and like them and feel confident that they don’t actively dislike me. It’s harder to convince me of that last point than you might think.


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MOTHERHOOD


I didn’t breastfeed any of my kids.

My oldest child was raised as a vegetarian for two years.

I think watching television is bad for children.

I think that the damage is at least as much in the medium as it is in the content.

I don’t let my kids watch much TV, and they’re not allowed any video games.

Sometimes I let them watch TV just to get them to leave me alone.

I think kids should surprise you every day.

I do want my kids to be more polite, smarter, and better-behaved than other people’s kids.


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WRITING


I tell myself stories all the time - every day.

I have favorite stories that I tell over and over, tweaking them here and there. I have stories that only pop up once and never come back again.

I’m beginning to think I’ll never make myself write the way I could.

I am too lazy to be a professional writer.


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WORKING


At least part of the reason I stay home with my kids is because I hate the idea of having a job.

I can’t bear the idea of having to answer to someone, to run on their schedule and to have to submit to them.

This is probably an issue in my relationship with God, too.


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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY


I love my husband.

My husband drives me nuts sometimes.

My kids drive me nuts sometimes.

The times when I’m happiest and most content are when I’m with my family.

I think marriage vows are sacred.

I think marriage is a sacrament.

I think marriage is for life.

I think I took a huge risk with my marriage earlier this year, and I’m very, very fortunate that my actions didn’t bite me in the ass any harder than they did.


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FANDOM


It’s very easy for me to start using the computer in the morning and to stay online for better than twelve hours.

I enjoy Smallville more when I’m not slashing it all over the place.

I’m tired of smutty stories.

I think you miss something, that you undervalue the breadth of human relationships, by insisting on seeing slash/romance/sex everywhere.

I think you can have deep, even passionate feelings for a person without having said feelings turn into or ever be romantic.

I think certain people look too hard for subtext.

I think if they enjoy it, that’s fine for them.

I believe that it is not fine for me, because I am so easily influenced and suggestible.

I think that my inherent laziness makes me nearly always choose the easier path.

It’s a lot easier to live by just sitting still with a computer in my face and under my fingers.

I think I’ve missed a whole lot of life by doing just that.

I like to read.

I like to read too much.

It’s extraordinarily difficult for me to step away from reading, even when the reading is bad for me.

There are times I worry that all fanfic is stealing and that it hardly matters what the subject matter is or what the rating is; it’s theft, and it’s wrong.

There are times I figure that it really doesn’t matter.

There are times I shove the whole question in a corner and ignore it.

I devote way too much thought to Harry Potter.

I love the idea of OBHWF.

I think Jesus would be a lot more concerned over meaningless sex than he would over homosexual sex.

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SEX


I think a lot of people are too focused on sex, to the exclusion of everything else about a person or about a relationship.

I think that neither self-discipline nor restraint are bad qualities, nor are they qualities a person should have to feel ashamed of or have to hide.

I think a lot of fandom doesn’t believe that.

I think my old LJ/life encouraged me to focus too much on sex.

I think people underestimate their humanity and free will when they assume the sex drive is uncontrollable.

I don’t think being carried away by passion is romantic; I think it’s irresponsible.

I think that reading smutty stories is a good way to get obsessed with sex.

I think that being obsessed with sex causes a person to miss out on a lot of the richness of life.

There are a whole lot of things I devote more thought to than I devote to God.

I don’t think that’s right.

There are days I believe that sexual orientation doesn’t matter a whit.

There are other days I believe that acting on a homosexual orientation is a sin. These are the same days I remember that, by using that logic, I should feel exceptionally guilty about having had sex before/outside of marriage.

Most of the time, I really don’t.

Most of the time, I can’t bring myself to regret having had the sex I did when I had it.

I’m sure that saying things like this will get me pegged as homophobic, repressed, brainwashed, or all three.


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PERSONALITY DEFECTS


I’m not a very nice person.

I’m a lousy friend. People tend not to believe that, even when I warn them about it.

I’m terrible at writing, terrible at calling, and I don’t remember birthdays or anniversaries for crap.

I don’t like gift-giving occasions. It’s just another opportunity to be disappointed or to mess up.

I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m not a good Catholic, I’m not a good Catholic homeschooler, I’m not a good unschooler, I’m not a good natural!mom, I’m not a typical preschool mom, I don’t like sports, I’m not a good housewife.

I feel like an outsider no matter where I am – except here at home, and with my parents.

There are days when I believe that my husband is the only person on the planet who “gets” me.

There are days I think that my sister is that person.

The truth is probably between the two.


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REETCHICK or, the intersection of fandom, sex, motherhood, marriage, homeschooling, and idiosyncrasies.


I’m not hiding from being reetchick; I just don’t feel like I am her, or that she’s me, or that I’m that person, anymore.

I don’t really want to be that person anymore.

I cry whenever I listen to A Living Prayer because I so desperately want to be that person.

I miss getting lots of comments.

I miss the flirting and getting petted and the attention.

I hope I’m a better person for having given it up.

I think I made some people mad at me. I know I deserved it.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t come up with a better way to handle things.

I don’t deserve forgiveness, so I won’t ask for it - but I hope I’m not keeping anyone from being at peace with themselves or their lives.

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I don’t know who I am. I’m not sure I’ll ever know who I am.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I think I’m starting to know who I want to be.


*+*

Follow the link to download “Living Prayer” by Alison Krause and Union Station:

http://s43.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1TDRG5XPPNM0U17FY2WWU27J71


+*+*+
quote in subject line from Richard Bach

Comments

[kellygreen.livejournal.com]

I don't know if we're supposed to/are allowed to comment here, but I'd just like to say hello, I suppose. I was going to make a post wondering where you were just the other day. Like you, sometimes I'm a terrible friend, and sometimes I get very wrapped up in being me and forget to do things I really ought to. I am phenomenally glad that you've addressed this and didn't just drift off into online oblivion like so many others.

I'd like to say that I think you're incredibly brave for saying all of these things. I have felt, at many different periods, very much like all of this (with the exception of the homeschooling bits, because I don't have children, and the parts about homosexuality, because I believe that God made everyone the way they are for a reason, and I do not believe that sexual orientation is something that you chose). But there have certainly been times since I joined this fandom that I have felt that I've been missing out on things during the time I've spent reading or writing or replying to posts. I wonder what my life might have been like if I'd never stumbled into fandom in the first place. Sometimes I contemplate leaving...but I'd miss it far too much. I don't think it makes me a bad person, either. And that's not to say that I think that you are accusing anyone of that, because truly I do not. I simply feel it has made me a different person. I'm not sure yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

In any case, I'm very sorry that you are leaving, because (as with most of my f-list) I enjoyed reading about your life and your children and your family and getting to know you as a person more than I ever enjoyed reading about your views on the fandom. I'll miss all your lovely stories about the Chicklets, of whom I have no doubt will grow up to be wonderful people.

Farewell. You will be missed.
Erin x

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

I was just thinking about you recently.

*hugs you lots*

I understand, and it's okay. We are who we are who we are. And I like who you are, regardless of squeeing fangirl land. M'not there much anymore anyway.

*hugs again*

Re: Would you mind horribly screening this comment or erasing it?

[ella-menno.livejournal.com]

Done. I'll reply further later on. But I'm glad you understand!

Re: Would you mind horribly screening this comment or erasing it?

[dolimir-k.livejournal.com]

Sorry. I got nervous.

But I'm still willing to talk about it. *g*

[alee-gothphyle.livejournal.com]

I am "changing", too, and... it's really because of church. If you are interested, I am now pasdoll; the slash-writing is pretty much done, and I'm... well, I'm at peace in a way I haven't been in a long while. {hugs} If you don't mind, pasdoll will friend you, b/c this current incarnation is about to be deleted :)

[rhiannon-jehane.livejournal.com]

Please don't think I'm ignoring you -- somehow I missed the Reetchick post from last week that linked to this post. On a whim this morning I went to that lj and there you were.

There are a lot of things on this list I'm glad you mentioned. I understand a little bit better where you're coming from now. I'd like to email you -- do you still have the same email address?

I have a lot of thoughts to gather, though, so it might be a little while before you actually, y'know, get the email.

[ella-menno.livejournal.com]

Thanks for saying you weren't/aren't ignoring me - though you, almost more than anyone, certainly have justification to do just that.

I do have the same email address; take all the time you need to gather and send. I'll probably be a little bit afraid to read it, but I promise that I will. (And I have to admit to being curious about which parts of what I said made a difference to you in understanding where I'm coming from. Especially since I still have days where I don't know where I'm coming from.)

[malabud.livejournal.com]

I wondered where you were! I missed your posts on my flist and I wondered where you went. I have a tendency to disappear for weeks at a time from LJ myself, so I thought you'd come back. I'm glad you posted a link here from your reetchick journal, as I mostly looked forward to your posts about your kids, to be honest. *g* I am unmarried and have no children, but my nieces and nephews are very important to me and I love them. Reading what others write about their kids reminds me of them, so I always enjoy such posts.

There is a dichotomy on my flist between those who could sympathize with what you've written here, and well, those who can't or don't want to. I enjoy reading the posts of the OBHWFer, the Spuffy writer, the Clex slasher, the Oklahoma pastor, the mother of three who writes a great Snape when she has the time, and the LDS bishop. My point is, I have a flist that spans fandoms, religious beliefs, lifestyles, and political persuasions. Some posts are funny, fluffy, serious, intense, and/or thought-provoking. This post of yours definitely falls into the last category. I think I need to re-read this post to fully collect my thoughts on it, but I was intrigued to discover how many fit me, and how many did not.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think I understand where you are coming from in this entry. One must prioritize one's life as to what's truly important, and you've made your choice. I think it's a good one, and I honor you for it.

[ella-menno.livejournal.com]

You do have quite the eclectic flist, don't you? *g*

"Prioritizing" is an excellent term for what I'm trying to do. It's a skill I definitely lack, so maybe that's why it's been such a challenge for me. If I've succeeded at all, it's because I've severely curtailed the amount of time I spend on the computer.

So. "Thanks for commenting," is what I'm saying here.

[tehomet.livejournal.com]

It's been good knowing you. Good luck in the future.

[cjandre.livejournal.com]

Hi!

I am assuming that you still use this journal - if not than I shall send this plea out into the ether.

:-)

I am thinking of homeschooling Baby Girl after next school year - 4th grade onwards is the pits here and I am beginning to think I won't find anyplace I really approve of. You are one of the coolest homeschoolers I know, and I wanted to see if you had any advice or resources that you would especially recommend.

I'm not commenting on the fannish stuff here since I figure you made some choices about that and I am totally cool with it. I've certainly never been mad at you about anything related to fandom, though I have missed you.

Hopefully you will get this message.

Talk to you soon, I hope!